Thursday, December 29, 2005
Mistakes
Dreamt about dead penguins and sexy beaches this morning... I was at this beachy area (I dunno where...) studying marine life... I remembered 2 other guys and a girl was with me... Their identities are a blur to me too but they do feel very familiar to me...
On my way back, I saw a dead penguin on the side on the road... It was so freaky!!! Like who will leave a dead penguin on the side of the road... Gross... But sad too...
Been cleaning out my room, throwing away my past... Keeping those which meant something to me... Hahaha... But one day is not enough... I've only managed to clear my desk... Juggling between taking care of kids, watching tv and cleaning up, more time need to be allocated to cleaning I guess...
So tml's plan will be another clean up day... Was planning to make oreo cheesecake for myself tml but I guess it will have to wait... I was feeling chirpy sorta the whole day... Except for a part when I think I made myself sad... But then again why bother I think... I should just love myself...
Kaylin the Kitten says @ 10:38 PM
and no one can stop her...
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
Happy Day
It's been a not-too-shabby day for me... First off... I've got to see most of my shows... Gilmore Girls, Charmed... Whatever... Which means I get to clear most of my hard disk space... Yippee... Which means faster running computer... (I hope!)
Slack a whole day in my room as I've done my cleaning up yesterday already... Great... Carrie asked to meet me in the evening for dinner... Hahaha... So in the evening I met her at tanjong pagar... Yah she's late again... But I guess she did her work in the meantime and manage to finish up a task so I am glad for her... Though I did get abit pissed off cause I am keep waiting again!
Then she asked one of my old friend-turned-stranger out as well... It was really weird meeting him after never speaking for 3 years... But I think it was all-in-all a great start... But all I can remember was the first time I met him, it was a short workshop learning how to use the email system in our Poly...
I was running late... He just got in before I did too... We ended up sitting together... And chatting started... When we were asked to try emailing your partner, we emailed each other... He sent me an email which says, "Nice knowing you, pretty lady." First guy who ever said I was a pretty lady... What sharp tongue... But I like... It's a pity I was attached then already...
Chemistry was between us... I missed being mentally and emotionally so close to someone else... We ended up being classmates for the 1st two years in Poly... But afterwhich there was subsequent misunderstanding and in short, due to my immaturity, we became apart... It was sad... But we've survived... Growing stronger in turn...
Kaylin the Kitten says @ 11:20 PM
and no one can stop her...
Monday, December 26, 2005
Unsettled business
Sometimes I really wonder what's it like if life doesn't require us to make decisions... Would it be like that place from "A Wrinkle in Time"? Everything is fixed... Everyday we do the same thing...
I am sad... Mostly coz I am a spoilt brat and I couldn't get what I want... Also coz I hate my current life... Haiz... Respect, people... Ever heard of that? I've got so much to do, with no mood to do so and no time as well... What to do?
Birthday coming... Got a box of ferrero so far... I don't expect much I guess... It is a big year for me... But apparently other people don't think so... Or that I am on nobody's mind... That is so depressing...
I have currently chosen "Are you ok? Mental Illness in Singapore" as my HSS module... The reason being it is the only one I am interested in that doesn't clash with my core modules... Plus, I guess I will need the information next time in case I am not ok... Haha...
Gotta wake up early tomorrow to register for my module... I've develope this really irritating habit of not getting out of bed... Need..... more.... will... I hope tml I can crawl out... But I am abit disturbed by some stuff... Not sure if I could rest well anot...
Kaylin the Kitten says @ 11:48 PM
and no one can stop her...
Sunday, December 25, 2005
Finally Over
Finally, it is the last performance of our hall choir... Though it wasn't that great, but I guess everybody is relieved it it finally over... I know I am...
One more week before the holidays end... One more week before hell starts... I know I will work hard this time round... I must... Before school starts though, I must pack up my room and bring back all the unused notes and stuff... Back home I must clean up my room too... One of the things I don't like to do is cleaning up... Sianz...
Tuesday I must register for my modules... I wonder if I can manage to get at least one non-examinable GE... 'Cause I was thinking of doing 8 modules, 5 core and 2 GEs and a HSS module... It will probably kill me to take 8 exam papers in the next semester... I pray so...
Then come to the one thing which is I need someone who can take those GEs and HSS modules with me... But it's tough... I need someone to guide me through this...
Kaylin the Kitten says @ 8:14 PM
and no one can stop her...
Saturday, December 24, 2005
Haunting Past
Been thinking of the past dec of my life...
For the past 7 years, my x'mas and birthday season has been of a certain existence... At least I know I will not be cooped up at home but rather, I'll be out there celebrating... But this year will be different... No one will actually celebrate x'mas or my birthday with me... I am moping... I know... But this is the biggest event so far in my insignificant life but no one bother...
Been thinking about my past boyfriends too... And made an analysis out of them... (I am that bored ok?!?!)
The first: All-rounder, the leader
The second: Intellectual, the artist
The third: Adventurer, the survivor
The fourth: Fun-lover, the pretender
The fifth: Martial artist, the child
Hahaha... Well, i guess they are all in the past... My new resolution is not to let them be my future... Guess my dreams won't come through after all... Hahaha... My dream was that I was married to number 4, complate with children and all... Never had I dreamt of such things... But it's just a dream...
Kaylin the Kitten says @ 3:46 PM
and no one can stop her...
Life's no fairy tale
I understand now what it means to give up totally... All the signs are showing... I am watching Serendipity now... And I am wondering if destiny is fixed... And if so, when the signs are pointing in the opposite direction, why am I still running straight towards it? Is it because I enjoy being hurt? My heart bruised and battered...
Had so much fruits today... Almost my whole diet today is fruits... With the exception of a crossiant (chocolate), a bowl of cereal, a piece of cake, a cup of clam chowder and a cup of milk tea... Choir performance was better than expected today... I am glad...
Found out my best friend will not be celebrating my birthday with me this year... Wondering if I am really that unfriendly that no one is actually interested in spending my birthday with me... X'mas also... I am sad... I don't know what to do... Haiz... Whatever... I feel like a pathetic worm...
The story have to end anyhow... Whether the ending is good or bad, I will still face up to it...
Kaylin the Kitten says @ 1:06 AM
and no one can stop her...
Friday, December 23, 2005
Cakes and fondue
I've not been eating properly for a number of days already... Skipping meals and eating improper meal... Today I had fondue, cakes, dumpling with udon and cup noodles... Hahaha.... Can't wait to go home and eat proper meals...
I feel so tired... No idea why... Think I shall rest le... Tml got performance at J8 at around 8... Hahaha... Then home I go... Tis the season to be jolly... Not skinny!!!
Kaylin the Kitten says @ 12:11 AM
and no one can stop her...
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
Dying young
I almost died today... Not that I want to or plan to... Today results came out in the afternoon... As I was out watching movie, I din get to check it myself... So I ask my best friend to check for me... As it turned out I've failed 3 modules (again!!!).
Ever since I've stepped into NTU, I've been taking and retaking this particular module again and again. And every semester, I am sure to retake 3 modules each... I am now very disappointed... I wanna pass every module...
After knowing that my results are out, I got so distracted I did not even notice where I was anymore... Going to a movie was only temporary distraction from my ever pounding worrying mind... After the movie walking towards cineleisure, I crossed the road without checking... If not for my friend who pulled me back, I would probably not be writing this right now... So I am ever grateful to this friend...
I don't mind removing a particularly useless person from earth... 'Coz I have nothing to live for right now... I am approaching my birthday soon but nothing much is happening, no one wans me for a gf not to mention a future partner, x'mas is my fav holiday with no one to celebrate with me, I keep getting lousy results and finally, I am broke to the point I will have to eat only one meal a day...
I think I am seriously better off died...
Kaylin the Kitten says @ 10:49 PM
and no one can stop her...
Monday, December 19, 2005
Jay Chou
Been listening to the November's Chopin album these few days... Sometimes the songs inside touched me... Particularly shan1 hu2 hai3 (coral sea) and yi4 lu4 xiang4 bei3 (facing north)... I am feeling your song, Jay...
Been carolling for the past few days le... It was tiring but fun... And my legs are so cramp now coz I've been walking around alot and standing... Gonna sit down and rest for a long time... Taking a break tomorrow... Yippie... Gonna enjoy for some time...
I guess I've been through a rather enjoyable week... Special thanks to some guys (my comfort guys)... Hahaha... Thanks for being there to listen to me and have fun with me... Hee hee... X'mas is coming soon... I am not feeling the festive season mostly because I am super broke...
Anyway I am so sianz so those who are free rem to ask me out ok?? But then it is best if you pay as well... Hahaha... I am penniless... Been an angel for one day le... Super tired... Must rest... Hahaha...
Kaylin the Kitten says @ 8:16 PM
and no one can stop her...
Friday, December 16, 2005
Birthday Wishes
Hahaha... My birthday is coming~~!!! Just talking to one of my poly frenz about being 21 and all... It was fun today walking everywhere from east to central to west... But I was in a pair of heels and it is not exactly the most comfortable pair though... My feet are now currently screaming at me in agony...
It been tiring meeting friends today and eating, walking around with them... Though I am glad these friends haven't forget me and had asked me out... For the past few weeks I've been wondering what had happened to me coz it really felt like as if I had no friends around me already... I am always alone and find that there is no one I can talk and hang out with when I needed someone around...
I also thought about some serious stuff... About relationships and friendships... I've been through relationships that bloomed from friendships, I've also been through relationships that had started from a crush... I can see that both are quite different in the sense that in failed relationships that developed from friendships can revert back to friendships rather quickly than as compared to one that had developed from crushes...
A relationship however needs two very strong components: friendship and love... The friendship aspect contributes to trust and acceptance whereas the love bonds everything together with a veil of romance and wanting to be the best so that the other half can see all the goodness... If the love aspect is gone, there is no more love and the relationship becomes just a friendship... And if you find that you cannot be friends either because there is a lack of trust or because you can't accept certains, the relationship fails...
Therefore, my current new target in life is to always be aware of the situation I am in... I've decided not to go into any relationship anymore until I am certain that marriage is in the future... In another word, I am looking for a husband now... So guys who just want to have some fun... Let's just be friends... Haha...
My list of 21 things I hope to get from my birthday... Don't know why I am so crazy over lists nowadays... Don't ask...
- New glasses and contact lens (I am turning more blind, I think...)
- A watch (My old Guess watch had been spoiled like for a year!!)
- A makeover with another person (I don't wanna be bored you see...)
- A new room arrangement in hall and my home (Hall: Too plain. Home: Too squeezy!)
- Anime series: Rumbling hearts (Touching anime I recommend...)
- Royce/Sins/Goldiva chocs (Yum yum... They contain feel good chemicals ok...)
- A new phone? (I am happy with my old one but don't mind having a new one. Haha)
- The Book of Answers (I've got some many questions all the time!!!)
- Eeyores!!! (That blue little donkey from winnie-the-pooh)
- A pet of some sort... (Cute, furry, not smelly?)
- Money money money (In a rich man's world)
- Credit sub card (Haha... Who wanna feed me??)
- A nice meal with friends (I miss you guys... Where are you?)
- Clothes, bags (Whatever that is branded...)
- Shoes (Supergirl sneakers)
- Sunglasses (A nice elegant pair which I can wear out...)
- Maplestory A-cash cards!! (New hair, new clothes, pet...)
- I-dog (Portable speaker?)
- More friends? (Better if they are shuai ges)
- Peace (Let the be peace on earth~~....)
- A husband
Well, my list is done.... Hahaha... I will date seriously with the guy(future husband) for a few years (3 or so years), be engaged for a year and get married... At least I hope to... My wish is to get married by 25... Hope so lah... Haiz... Time to sleep then go tanning tml!!! Yeah!!!!!
Kaylin the Kitten says @ 12:10 AM
and no one can stop her...
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
Disappointments in life
These are some disappointments in life:
- Not getting recognised for your efforts
- Losing something that was yours because of carelessness and pride
- Not having things your way
- Wanting something that you can't get
- Waiting for something to happen
- Lazing around having so much spare time but nothing to do
- Feeling depressed though you've tried your best
Kaylin the Kitten says @ 1:14 PM
and no one can stop her...
Saturday, December 10, 2005
Taking a brave step out
My status has been undefined for the longest period of time... Seems to me like I've lost my powers and ability to move on... I hope not... I've decided to go on living my life for myself... I know it may be tough on me... That by the time can 3 closes and I have to go far away for food, I will be alone...
But I guess this is what I have to learn... How to survive with myself... Alone...
No tuition later... My student called me earlier to inform me... For those who doesn't know, my student is actually my cousin... A very good student I may add... Improve greatly and meets my expectation... I miss the times teaching her...
Was planning my single future ahead of me... Feeling sad about the loss and many other things I will miss... Feeling the tears rushed to my eyes (yes, even now... But they won't fall...). I watched Mulan on chn 5 just now... I saw the lips of one of the male characters, Sheng. He is the one who Mulan fell in love with I think, her captain... It just reminds me of the shapeless lips of him who I missed... And yes I am sad...
I am strong... I will go on living my life... With or without him... I will survive... For myself...
Kaylin the Kitten says @ 10:15 PM
and no one can stop her...
Friday, December 09, 2005
Day Outing
Just came home and showered... It has been terribly humid these few days... I can't do anything without feeling hot and irritated... Wearing as skimpy as I can doesn't work as well... I can sit in my room and yet feel hot...
On my way back, on the train, I saw this group of 4 friends sitting down, 2 males and 2 females... Nothing looked weird on the surface... Until I noticed one of the girls was wearing a pair of big ugly slippers that did not really match her clothings... I looked at the feet of the guys and saw that one of them was bare feet...
What surprises me more is that the bare-feet guy seem more like the bf of the other girl... Perhaps they were siblings but I was not sure... The train approaches their station and I thought she would request for her shoes but they actually got off with the guy without his shoes... I pity the poor guy... I thought I will only see this kind of scenario in shows... Just like the part in my sassy girl... I guess it's lucky that the guy din have to wear the girl's shoes as well... Haha...
I am watching rumbling hearts again... The girl's up now... I really wonder what will happen in the end... It just leads to me thinking back to what's happening to me... That if it's stupid for me to stay somewhere because I want to believe there is something that might not be... That it's only one-sided on my part...
I know I can't even move on if I want to... That all I am doing is waiting for him to move on then I will go... And all he does is hang around, enticing me but yet I can't get him totally... Depressed and sad... No one to turn to... I am desperate... And true unpleasant thoughts just keep flashing through my mind... I miss you...
Kaylin the Kitten says @ 11:21 PM
and no one can stop her...
Thursday, December 08, 2005
Tired...
Singing is something someone does when he/she is happy... More and more of it nowadays, I am dreading it... I just feel so stressed... And no matter how much he feels badly for me can change the fact that I am stressed... The fact that I joined choir was not for points anyway... Why make it this way?
When I need someone around they are always not around... Whatever shit about having me to ask is all bullshit... Why do I have to ask? Why don't they offer some of the time? If I have to ask, and you have to reject, both the people involved will feel bad... If you would have just offered in the first place but I reject, at least only one party will feel bad... What are the odds that I will reject in the first place?
I really feel I am one of the more outspoken and initiative people... I wish to be more... But I just can't... I understand you need me to be more... To always be the one who offers my hand... But I just can do that anymore... The price of losing just gets higher and higher each time... I can't afford to lose...
Relationships are just like playing with stocks... If you dare to play it, the stakes maybe high but so are the rewards... If you play carefully, returns may be small, but you'll last longer, and who knows, the rewards you gain in the long run may cover the little losses you've made...
I am babbling rubbish again... But i am still waiting... Always looking... Maybe I am more than I am now... The cold siren waiting for her love... I know that ultimately no human love will survive as long as me... That it is meant to end one day...
Kaylin the Kitten says @ 11:47 PM
and no one can stop her...
Monday, December 05, 2005
I feel so sick...
Choir practice finished... We still need alot of improvement I feel but I can't compare them to my old choir as they are all amatuers... Great performance for 1st timers...
I had seoul garden just now... Ate til so full... I dunno if it is the fish, or the fact that I eat too much meat that my stomach is now churning... I din do any vigorious exercise tho... I really don't understand... I guess I shall make myself some milo and then settle back to read...
Planning a surprise but I shall delay abit... I don't feel well...
Kaylin the Kitten says @ 11:27 PM
and no one can stop her...
Sunday, December 04, 2005
I will move on...
Now that she is looking for someone to share her love with during the christmas season... Will you join her? Love is not going to come by that easily... But if it is, will you accept it? I have decided to move on when there is the first chance I get... I should have done so... Tis the season to be loved... I have decided I need it... And I will get it no matter what...
Kaylin the Kitten says @ 12:50 AM
and no one can stop her...
Thursday, December 01, 2005
I have nothing in particular to say...
He found her, she found him... They are living a wonderful life together... How about that?? Does it mean it will not come to an end? I see couples all around me but I am always alone... It can't be more true than that... People come and people go... They say they are behind you all the time but when time comes to the point when they find that they are heading in different directions, it is time to leave...
I wanna go away... To run away... To nowhere... To everywhere... I am tired of being alone... Even if thousands and thousands of them are in the same room as me, they can never be on the same platform as me... This is what I feel now... Monetary stuff I dun care much for... It's the thoughts that count... But if I have to induce the thought, just forget it...
Choir camp has ended... Away goes rainy morning and afternoons singing, pitching, tuning, clapping, tapping and counting... Now comes sore throat that refuse to go, headaches and chest pains that come and go whenever they like... I am super hungry too... Sianz... Hope to go to sentosa on saturday... Miss tanning with the girls... Or just with carrie...
Kaylin the Kitten says @ 11:17 PM
and no one can stop her...
Springcleaning during winter
Second day of choir camp has passed... My throat is more sore than ever... Took honey water but not much use... See tml how lor... Hahaha... Skipped lunch just now to sleep... Very piggy of me but then again it's ok... Can help me lose weight... Hahaha... Like real...
In the end when choir ended around 5+, I went to can 3 to buy food lor... Hahahaha... Then had another cup noodle at 10... But I din just sit around and play game the whole night leh... After dinner, I cleaned up my room... Hahahah... I see my table with so much stuff on it I oso sianz... So much stuff I oso dunno how to clear it so I can have a space to eat on it...
So I clean the dust away from my table, take the many sheets of papers in box files, clean my fridge... And some more... I am exhausted now... Phew... But finally I can rest now... So I am going to sleep now... *yawnz* I just can't stop yawning...
Kaylin the Kitten says @ 12:44 AM
and no one can stop her...
